A Chat From One Year Ago

This is a chat from 1 year ago, Mike and Jared have added small amounts of commentary in parentheses throughout the chat and one final note at the end.

1/31/2012

4:31 PM mike: hey Lard-nah!
jared: yo dino!
 whaddup (thought this would sound real new york and mike would like it)
mike: Nothing Just got home from work.
 I had a big! Big! Day!
jared: woah!
 what happened?
 big promotion?
mike: I had to lay off 4 part-time Latinas (reading this today I wonder if I crossed the line by being too racist to get a haha) today
 BIG DAY! I'm beat!
jared: !  (I wondered if it was okay to say Latinas)
 you had to fire people?
 why are you firing people?
 that's your job?
mike: I got promoted. My boss say how unfazed I was by firing people that I got a promotion.
jared: pay bump? ( i never use this phrase)
mike: Salery
 I make more than most of the people there now.
jared: wow
 suddenly you like this job (Mike had been less than enthused with this job, so I was big suspicious)
mike: no. I love it! (I think I was working at the framing department at Joann fabrics. Pretty low time in my life, but kind of fun.  I liked the people. -Mike)
jared: ?
 I need to know if you're telling me the full dino truth
I hope you are
mike: I'm not. (I was lying the whole time. Strictly for yuks. -Mike Paul Lopez)
jared: because this sounds like good things for you.
 8(
(Jared usually wants good things to happen to me because I’m constantly whining about my life situations -Mike)
mike: But I've finally found something I'm good at and I like doing.
 firing people
jared: wait, you did get a pay raise?
mike: no. (this is a pretty cold-blooded response, not giving a lot of information. -Mike)
jared: which parts are true
 i need you to saddle up here  (not sure why I asked Mike to saddle up)
 and clear the air
mike: none of it. It was a schit (word that means a bit -Mike)
jared: aw man.
mike: the whole thing. although I did work earlier
jared: practicing at that thing
 from the movie
mike: I was just riffing. I got a promotion for being cruel to people and I enjoyed it.
its funny (clearly not paying attention to what Jared was saying. -Mike L.)
jared: yeah
 i slept late
 but now i'm at work
 working
mike: Whats this shoot? (I think Jared may have texted me about a video shoot, which I sometimes cover for him. -Mike)
jared: oh, just taping a lecture
 at school
 in a classroom
…....
 i'll be there to help you set it up
 and then I have to go tape a different lecture
 so you just have to return the equipment and put a few things in my locker
 and that's all
mike: what time?
jared: the lecture is from 4:15 - 6:00
 i'll have you get there like 3:30 - 3:45
 something like that
mike: cool.
 cool
 cool
 cool
jared: …..(Jared regrets giving me money for the job. -Mike) (Jared just didn’t want to show the amount of money Mike got, seems strange to do that internet style)
mike: oh hell yeah
 gimmie gimmie gimmie
 you are a big money baller
jared: you know, ….. (another part Jared deleted. -Lil Mike)
 you could make that invoice
 and get the money from   .....  (Mike did a gig for me once that I couldn’t do, and then he never sent them an invoice to get the money, it always seemed wrong to me, and even though he told me it doesn’t matter, I think I gave him money for cab fare to get there, so I always thought it was weird that it was okay that he took my money for that, but didn’t get money for the job he did from the people who benefitted from his work)(oh. I never thought about it that way. I guess you could say you paid to keep your reputation with those clients, so they will hire you in the future.  It was a fun time for me so I don’t mind.)
mike: I was there only for an hour
jared: think about that
 yeah, but you should get more than $20 for that
mike: I like you. but we should move beyond this part of our friendship.
jared: ah, it's true. (it is true, he has a point)
 dino to dino.
mike: I'm coming at you like a Dino in the truest sense
jared: it's true.
 the issue is over. (it’s over at times, until I remember, but it does feel pretty much over)
 i just don't like seeing some amount of money go away forever
mike: http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/lovely_documentary_on_leonard_cohens_time_spent_at_mount_baldy_zen_center
 isn;t this weird (I think about this thing all the time.  The other day I was trying to remember the song he is listening to in the car at the end. What a weird cover. -Mike)
jared: seems like that would be fun
 to go somewhere and make an album (this would be fun, maybe someday i’ll actually do music things again, but probably not)
 i'd do that
mike: it looks kind of cool (I always fantasize about locking myself up for a long time to work on stuff. True story.  I just can never afford it. Cry me a river right? -Mike)
jared: yeah (it does seem great)
what else is on the agenda tonight?
mike: I'm going to do yoga and then eat and then work on stuff, and then mail some books out that I sold on amazon (at this time in my life I was living with my parents and selling books online. -Mike)
jared: big seller, eh?
mike: one of the biggest in our circle of friends
jared: could be.
 quite a salesman, that Mike Lopez.  (Mike is a social chameleon, and could be anything he wants to be. He has talent and charisma, and will go far)(I have a hard time taking complements or being easy on myself.-Mike)
mike: my philosophy has always been to belive in what you are selling even if you don't believe in yourself
jared: hmm.
 why not believe in yourself, too?
 just because.
 it feels better.
 i guess that's why you're the salesman.
mike: the d stands for dealcloser
jared: Dino.
5:07 PM mike: GTG TLK LTR

Mike Note: Overall I would say this is a premium chat. I feel like I was in top form this day and didn’t really give Jared a lot of time to shine.  But I believe he knew to just let me go for the gold, so that in the future I would do the same for him, and I hope at some point I did.

Now,I have the chance to do some spelling corrections but I don’t feel like changing anything. Its pretty good the way it is.

I can appreciate the quality of Blu-rays but I still feel like they won’t last. Maybe because everything is going to be exchanged digitally.

Jared Note:  This is an okay chat, not full of great details, and a little short,(most chat readers like something long and juicy) but I think it starts the appetite, and it happened one year from the date we posted it. That is the point, to show what we chatted about last year on this day.  Maybe you are reading this in 2015, and to you I say: Do you still collect blu-rays? I would like to know. If you really want to know how I feel about Blu ray, then go to this link: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lttn9g46yx1r2j693o1_250.gif  

The Story of the Genie’s Wishes

The genie always granted wishes to everyone that lived in the town just outside of the cave that he hid his god-children, you see he had all a thing of his nature could want.  And not a soul ever asked him what he wished. Never asked him what he desired.  What did the Genie want? Did he just want to make wishes come true for all the famous and attractive people around him?

Kimmy didn’t think so, she was a Korean sorcerer and very very hot to trot as they say...behind her back.  Kimmy had a huge crush on the Genie.  She knew him as Big Lu. The Big Lu that gave her father the wish of a lumber yard, the wish of the strongest body in the town, and the wish to feel sexual pleasures while eating. Kimmy saw her dad turn into a big old self involved jerk and treat her and her brother, L’aurent poorly and badly at the same time he was pulling double shifts as a gym instructor simply for the rush of it. So they were angry at him because he never had time for them and something had to change...kid style.

Big Lu wandered through his work.  From one client to the next.  He was looking for a change in a big way.  This is when he found a dusty old magic mirror ball on his way to work.  Lu stood in front of the cruddy beat to shit ball on the side of the road that was made out of dust and dirt and threw several scraps of bread in the ball’s general direction just to provoke the ball, which is a very efficient way to  piss off balls.  Seeing that this was a very special ball for strange magic he giggled and looked around and tackled the ball with a semi-erection, giddily rubbing and sweating on the dusty ball. Just then Kimmy appeared to present herself to the Genie, you see.  Kimmy yelled, “how dare you! You of all Genies Dare to disrespect my deep slumber to get greedy on me! How DISGUSTED i am! How rude I believe you to be! What am I a means to an end to you! You are acting like a foolish kitten at the beach!” on and on she went, non-stop, lowering the genies idea of himself and irritating his delicate ego, calling him a foolish genie for wanting more than the duty of granting human wishes.   
After such and such has transpired the genie begged for one simple wish and Kimmy listened knowing that there was no way a human sorcerer could grant a genie a wish because she is simply a brave human with a true magic heart and an absurdly extreme curious nature. “All I ask is to feel what it feels like to be the neediest loneliest human so that I may make fun of it later when I am transformed back to my full power as a eternal super genie! Does that translate my genie friend!,” wishes the genie.
Just then a gang of differently classes robbers come out of the woods and attack Kimmy and cut all of her hair off and kick her in the butt to make her feel the shame of being covered in dirt and slop from the puddle that awaits her.  They walk away in disgust and yell derogatory remarks in her direction.  In her agony, some wacky uncontrollable magic flew the genie’s way.  As it turns out, it was wish magic.  The same elusive wish magic that sorcerers are so weary to harness as it is said it may end the life of any sorcerer who wields it.
Kimmy says to the genie, “you wish is granted!” and the Genie says, “do you mean, ‘Your wish is granted?’”
Kimmy says, “YES! You rude fool! It is granted! Now you should feel as sad and as unattractive and unappealing and lonesome as a cold poop!”
The genie looks at his arms and legs, rubbing them and moaning, “ohhhhh. I do! I do!” this is horrible!”

“My brain!” screamed the genie.  Big Lu felt all of the hot blood cram itself into his frontal lobe.  Kimmy’s tricks were becoming real!  Although they weren’t the tricks she wish she were turning on Big Lu.  Big Lu staggered all over the dirt path, and stumbled over some rocks and into sharp buzzard bones.  The bones pierced through his abdomen and straight into his cerebellum.  Juicy cerebellum jelly squoozed out and dribbled down his neck which had been sunburned because of all the pain his brain was being attacked with.  Big Lu shook, shuddered, and shivered further into the buzzard bones, and his torso landed itself into a human femur, which is the longest bone.  Somebody had just found the bone in a volcano and threw it away because it was so hot, and so the long hot bone felt like lava inside Big Lu’s new human nervous system.  Big Lu instantly wished he was not being looked over by the almost dead and aroused Kimmy whose badly murdered face was smiling quietly a few meters behind him.  “no you fool!,” she pointed. This is the wish you asked for is basically what she conveyed to the Greenish blue man figure that was the Genie, Lu.

In the damp cave he was greeted at the door by the god-children that were now cruel and not afraid of their fathers seemingly impotent demeanor.  “Treat me harshly children! I crave those sensations!” they poked and pushed the flaming bones and sun-heated rocks that were sticking inside of his skin from the drag to the cave.  Kimmy, as a salty drug vapor, engulfed the god-children to make them more restless and confrontational to promote a more hostile environment for the squirming genie, who was at that point rolling back and forth on the floor of the cave in a way that looked like sped up film. Even his voice was more high pitched because he was moving so fast that his esophagus was stretched in a way that lightened up the sound of his groaning and moaning.  Should a normal be watching the scene they would have definitely died instantly from seeing the horror, but there were none, this was an affair for specials only.

Suddenly a time travel turtle was chucked into the old cave by unseen hands of some nameless specials.  Everybody grabbed on and the light got all crazy, like the lights turned into lazy lazors or bad beams of very ugly and powerful rays of disgusting energy.   Big Lu and his god-children were transported! They all screamed as they twirled round and round the annals of time,  one of the god-children died from this happening to it. But the deceased god-child was not accurately mourned as there was no time because they landed in NEW YORK CITY on NEW YEARS EVE the craziest night of the year, where people find out who they are and what they are going to end up being. Nothing like it. The DJs were just getting warmed up and the MOMA was just starting a big art auction. People will come up to you and just start talking about whatever’s on their minds and the food tastes just a little contemporary.

Kimmy’s face appears in the clouds for all to see, bread is broken and hearts are turned on to this new music called blargh-Blargh, its like rock and dance music where you have to learn dance moves to let people know that you are up on it to see it.  D’ya know what I mean? Yeah Yeah.
“Abe! Baby! Abe! Abe! C’mon man!
The books in the mail but you gotta give me that check I can’t hold these guys off forever. I’m out on the street just like everyone else trying not to realize that I’m a joke like that one guy with the bootleg jeans.  Come one. Come all to gimmie a break. Just one break I won’t let you down.  I can’t afford it!
Look you know I like you. I always have, you’re cute and you have the guts of a killer. A shark! But we know these guys don’t play around.  they’ll cut you up and won’t care if it makes the papers.  You know that...”
Then he slams the limo door and Big Lu can see how pathetic he looks in the reflection of the tinted window, with mud and bags under his weak willed hams.  The limo splashes away and knocks over a garbage car with fire coming out of it carelessly.  
“I can see that the party is still going on upstairs. I guess I’m not getting any sleep tonight oh well, with friends like that you get what you pay for..nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m making everyone angry here because no one thinks me yelling in this stupid voice with these mittens on is funny.  It seemed funny in my head but now I guess I realize I’m doing it to make people angry.”

Lu observed all this human filth, and even through the haze of his throbbing death pains, he now knew what it was to feel human.

“wake up dada,”

“dada,”

“da..”

“da...”

The Doctor is using the electricity hammers in both hands to shoot the Genie awake to the current steam-punk world he lives in.  Lu’s hand grazes the Doctor’s bare flushed cheeks and brings it up to one of the go-children’s faces. “How long...”

beeeeeeep     the machine goes.   Lu is gone.    Gone too soon.  

The funeral was in march but the weather was incredibly hot and sweaty so everyone was steamy and drunk and very hungry so the Preacher, Treach from Naughty by Nature, sped through the eulogy after a little disclaimer beforehand explaining that he knew everyone wanted to get this over with because of the discomfort.  And he did so. With out shame as there was nothing shameful about it since everyone knew that Lu didn’t care about this kind of stuff anyways. He always looked at the big picture. thats kind of what was great about him. Even when we were growing up it wasn’t about how we would build the derby car racer, it was how we were going to win it, what we would do with the prize money and when you get to hug Cindy and the rest of the girls we were going to grow up with and learn from. He was like that, and it makes sense when I think about it now. It isn’t about who is here right now or how they are feeling or what kind of pine this damn box is made out of, its about the life that was lived and what it did for everyone, the land and the feeling we are going to be able to carry with us forever. I loved Lu and I don’t give a crap if he felt the same way because thats how love works, and thats what he taught me.

Then Treach said, “this funeral is over” and he threw the index cards he was reading from threw over his shoulder and into the open casket.

In Heaven, Lu walks up to Kimmy at the Jimmy John’s.  They smile and make loving eye contact together.  Intimate moments like these happen in Heaven. Its Heaven.  They order the food and Lu opts for the Jimmy chips, and Kimmy gets a soda.  “Cherry coke,” she says, while getting it herself.  Blink 182 is playing over the speakers and they both nod their heads and enjoy the catchy riffs and clever lyrics.  Kimmy taps her foot to the drumbeat, and accidentally steps on Lu’s foot.  “Oh! I’m sorry!” her face is red with embarrassment.  Jimmy Hoffa is the manager that day.  “Is everything okay folks?”  

“Oh yes, my food is great!”  Kimmy says.

“Glad to hear it,” Jimmy Hoffa who works at Jimmy’s John’s says.

AN END

Glory Hunters

Lance and Terry are the Glory Hunters.  Lance and Terry always try to get every kind of glory so that people will praise them and celebrate them in the town they live in.  One time they both lived in the worst neighborhood in the city and got beat up so brutally that their neighbors just gave up on trying to rob them of their self-respect and left them alone. Another thing they did was go into all folks’ houses and beat their butts with billy clubs so bad that their butts got a black eye and no one could go to the washroom for a whole week. Everyone loved and hated them for this because they performed a duty they all desired yet were too weak to carry out. Also the beating was merciless and senseless in nature. I’m incredibly so serious to you right now, you gotta believe me!

     They loved glory more than anything in the whole big world. Sometimes (with their power) they would enable other people the power to feel the burning power of glory, which is a very sacred glory in its own right.  Perhaps the greatest glory of all is the glory of handing someone the dangerous baton of fire. Its a giant hot glass tube that is filled with the finest treats that have ever been humanly invented. Some say the sugar within is from the tears of Zeus’s funny but also furry and cute dog.  One can only gaze at it in the tube but can never lay the sweet treats both salty and sweet upon anyone’s tounge or tooth because one could never bear to eat a piece of anything ever again.  A complete tounge-blowout would occur and all teeth would be stale.
Terry and Lance were strong and searched for several years in hooded and obvious  gorilla disguises for the right person to bestow the tube to. But who would it be? Who could hold this tube for the glory of the two boys with the bronzed schlongs that caught the approval of all who glansed.  Who would give the glory for the glory hunters? They were the golden twins! None could compare to these two who grabbed what they wanted that none other could try to grab.  They were meant for glory and not for the money, the glory alone would feed the two. The glory would heal any tears in their many muscles, and would warm their supple bodies.  It affected them differently than most people who have to earn dollars and love humans like normal people. The glory did this to them.

Terry was ready. Lance was ready to advance as well but didn’t want to say it out loud. The golden eye-balled girl worked on a pier and had very toned upper booby muscles that were capable of hurling any amount of milk barrels at any given hour. The hot-boys were ready to approach the girl as she was panting on the pier after working for 18 hours straight. They thought that she would not lash out in their prepubescence, which usually happened because most people witnessed their parents beat by the boys so many years ago. But the boys misunderstood her panting, because she wasn’t panting at all, that was the way she yawned when things got like this on the pier. She was fully charged and grabbed the boys by their full penises, which were erect at that point because of the moist nature of the weather. Her hands were soft as clay like the day she was born. The boys were steaming at this point that her hands burned from the temperature, yet she did not call out or break a sweat, this was one of the reasons the two wanted to give her the tube.  They grappled, perspired and jumbled one anothers bods to keep warm as well as to harm the other.  Terry would punch Lance to make it look like they weren’t getting along to fool the Golden Eye-balled girl. But this season she wouldn’t listen to reason...not like the last one.

The sun had begun to set.  Golden was the horizon, and all eyes were on those violent golden twins. Lazily they rolled around in the sand with their lashes clasping to and fro, but to no end. Families would run away from the scene because they were afraid one of them would give up and be hungry and humiliated in front of them. Lots of people just plain moved away, my family was one of those groups that felt it safer in that way.  

Just at that point the boys decided to surrender their love to the girl. They dropped down on the ground and started begging the girl to give them the glory.  What could the two well-cooked twins do, they were teens in their sense after all? They pleaded, “we are here to give you this famous tube. You know the one! You just got to take it! We are starving for glory. You know that too! You know that if we don’t get the glory soon our whole property will go up for sale and we will have to live in a normal place that gives us nothing to heal our bodies with! You just gotta take this tube from us!”

The girl from Alobama said to the two water faced fools, “I want you two to hurt! You two are so glory crazed that you have forgotten that glory is for the brave not for the hungry! Also you beat up my little family and flooded all of the schools with your greedy glory hunting! My sister is mad bad angry with you two because she wanted me to go to a school that teaches you how to fix buildings right and such. But I can’t now. All the schools are broken!”  The girl hugs all of the juice and scum out of the boys and they give a final whimper that is pathetic to all who hear the scene on their Ham radios and free-wifis. G-girl takes the skin husks and flaps them over her knee and fills them with sand and sews them up with dental floss as a lesson to all.  She beats their butts over and over again with her ferociously hot hands burnt from their fiery penises.  The slapping sound wakes up God and alllllllllll of the people in the place they live.

But time passes and the girl falls girl-asleep (half normal asleep and half feline asleep, its different than most slumbers). The dummy is unaware that the twins can empty their bodies any time they want, they used such a trick to once fill themselves to claim the glory of filling oneself up with new-brew and brown-bread in a previous episode. The two boys made out on the girls lap and performed a troffing which is the committing of oral sex upon a woman from two or more heads at one time to induce haunted orgasmares to scare the woman into submission.  And they did. But not before she screamed and punched the back of their heads so real that they had to run into the water to cool the burning on their skulls which was very strong mind you. It boiled the water so baddly and insanely that all of the fisher men and prostitutes that live in huts along the beach had to drag themselves to the ruined hospitals.  Fire lived in most of the hospitals here and refused to leave until they found a better place for them to rest and grow old. Until that point, “no deal” is what they (the fire) would declare.  

The girl, now under the mental-possession of the towns people who controlled the boys, wanted her to take the hard hot tube for the sake of them all.  That is what they wanted so that they could get rest and get back to work again. “Enough!” is what they demanded and fantasized about! In her zombied state she accepted the tube and slid it into her overalls.  Tears ran down her cheeks because she wanted to return to her old life as a barrel major for the pier but the boy who accompanied Terry would not let her do that duty again.  They wanted only the glory. Remember glory was paramount in their priorities. Her feelings were secondary to the glory they worked for. It was vital for their infancy and peace of mind. She had to get it in writing so they drove her in their GIANT car that was custom fitted for adventure and made to support their absurd frames filled with rock hard bones and tense pulsating nervous systems. At the entrance of the great old super big building they gently pushed her along so that she would at least get in there to sign the papers saying that she did indeed own the tube of end-all-be-all of treats so perfect that one would never eat again.  She walked so slow that the the two lovely and angry boys had several mean meals delivered to them in their car by a pretty waitress before the now famous and important woman even touched the push handle of the facility. Yet after some waiting she entered and returned vomiting and bleeding from the ulcers that developed from the tension she was putting herself under because of the boys glory-hungry nature.

They placed a hand on her forehead and guided her into the car, Lance sat in the back seat with her and Terry drove. I could see Terry looking in the rear view mirror talking to the two from the front. I can’t know what he was saying or where they were going but I know that there was something beautiful happening and doubt that I will know ever find out as I am just a normal boy and human not a great greedy one like the three of them. My life will run its coarse, I will have my own children one day that will want to know and they will know this very feeling but not exactly because they will never see the boys and girls because it is clear they are working on something somewhere to get some new kind of glory that we cant even get a feeling. For because we are just normals. THE END!                              

March 8, 2011

1:24 PM Jared: yo Dee!

 me: what up. Who is this?

1:25 PM Jared: J-rude

  baby

  J-rude in they house

 me: Hey.

  oh

1:26 PM Jared: hey

  Dee

  baby Dee

 me: Dirty dee thats me

 Jared: did y'all do your taxes yet?

 me: hittin' em where they squirt

 Jared: get that shit done y'all!

1:27 PM me: did that shit months ago

  whuddabout you?

 Jared: shit, y'all only get the w-2s at the end of january

  did the federal

  gotta do the state

  i owed a little bit for federal

  will probably owe some for state

1:28 PM me: I got 200$ back. but blew it on living expenses

1:29 PM So are you breaking even?

 Jared: no

  i owe like $575 in federal

 me: fuck!

 Jared: and i'll owe something in state

  I knew it was coming

 me: FUCK!

  FUCK!

  FUCK!

  this is not fair

 Jared: i'm just glad it wasn't more

1:30 PM me: guy like you shouldn't have to pay for this stuff

 Jared: we all gotta pay for it

1:31 PM especially if you have some untaxed income flying in

 me: don't no one gotta know.

  all I have to do is stay cool and die.

  only things I gotta do

1:32 PM Jared: taxes rule everything about me

 me: you have changed

  it used to be about expressing yourself now it is about the taxes

  for you

1:33 PM Jared: dino life

 me: that has always been dino life.

 Jared: ok

  i'm out

  going downtown!

 me: if we ever have a group screening it has got to be called dino-life

1:34 PM Jared: i'm into it

 me: :-!

 Jared: ;d

  see ya

 me: god I want to fuck a dino

 Jared: V.v.V

  what about that dino

 me: I don't see it

 Jared: bye!

 me: is that a d.?

1:35 PM say hit to lori and jac!

  don't forget!

March 12, 2011

Jared: yo Dee!

  Dee!

  Dee!

 me: hey

 Jared: yeah, haha

  hey Dee!

 me: I'm at work. whats up?

 Jared: is it a good day from frames?

5:02 PM me: nah. gtg. BYE

 Jared: see ya Dee!

  bye bye smoker!

Cory

Wow.  When you told me that one summer we spent at camp that your family was crazy I thought you were just joshing around.  They are as Batty as a crazy-man!  If you ever need a place to get away from it all just go to our secret palace in the woods where our comic book collection is.  Are they still waterproofed?   

Tell your weird ugly sister that, she can keep those socks.  I don’t need them anymore.  Besides I’m pretty sure Karen wants to go steady with me after the ass-rub I gave her at the drive-in.  She was moaning like crazy!  Oh she knew what she was doing, you should have seen how bad she shredded the front of my shirt.   She was a pro up and down the line. You can mark me up for another kill!  

Guy! You and your friends don’t know anything about pussies!  You don’t chew on them! You form a seal around it with your mouth and make humming noises while you hug her thighs.  Make sure your eyes are closed or your woman will feel uncomfortable.  I shouldn’t have to be telling you this.  It is embare-assing for me and you.  You will never strike a home run anyways.  By the time you do you will be 100 years old anyways and your balls will be like tiny raisins.

I do want that picture back of me and you on that surfing trip.  I want to put it on my desk so that I can make fun of it while I’m studying.  Man you look like a duffus standing there with your layer of flab.  I just want to sit at this very desk and make fun of it for a really long time.  What a rube you look like.  Please make sure you wrap it good and clean it off.  I really want to see it again so that I can make fun of it.    

Oh you wouldn’t believe what a perfect prank we pulled on Freddie.  You remember him right?  He was the Senior that made me eat two triple-decker BLTs for my initiation.  Me and a group of freshmen put barbiturates in his tuna sandwhich, stipped him naked and tied him to a horse, naked and BACKWARDS! His face was beet red and his eyes were watery but he did not cry or ask for help from anyone.  No one laughed or offered to help him because they didn’t want to humiliate him further.  After a while the horse kind of wandered off the campus and he didn’t show up for classes for a couple of days.  It was so funny!  Still is!

Sharon sounds like a slutty name.  I cannont believe that you two have not done the Muffled Injun yet.  What a couple of Rubes you are.  Take my advice pretend are about to sneeze and then just plant one right on her Flappers.  It works everytime.  But look who I’m talking to! She would probably run out of the room and tell her friends what a miserable goon you are!

Up! Up! And AWAY!!!!!

-Super- Tobias  

p.s.  The Cat Woman gets nearly naked!

Tobias,

         Hah, thanks.  Glad you enjoyed all that turkey.  (I think we gave the rest of it to the wolves)  Yeah, Samantha will be glad to know that it worked.  She called me the other day, and your name came up, which was odd.  She had a lot of questions about you, and what kind of man you were.  I said I didn't know.  Sisters are so weird.  She needs to patch things up with her ex.  If she doesn't Mom is always going to look at her weird.  I guess we aren't supposed to be quitters.  I miss Rick.  He was a cool brother in law.  (My first one)  I hope France is giving him time to think about how to accept my Sister's apologies.  Yeah, and Samantha asked for your address.  I guess you left your socks in her room, which is weird.  I don't remember you having your shoes off.  Her room smells funny.  Well, next time I'll take the bottom bunk if that's okay.

I don't know if they found your napkin on the back porch.  It's funny that you would mention napkins, though.  Samantha said that Dad has a napkin he's been keeping in his front pocket.  And once they were going to the waterfront for Lobster and he couldn't find it anywhere and he started getting really stressed out.  And then my sister said he was in the bathroom for a while, and that maybe he was crying.  He's probably upset about Samantha and Rick not being together, or that he's the only guy left in the house when I leave.  I guess he always wanted me to play more baseball.  

Woah, haha, did your boner get it's own dewey decimal number in the library? I don't think the woman at my school would like that.  67 B sounds like a bus line. Heh.  Guess you went exxxpress.  Man, you should take a physics class if you are so into volume and the sizes of titties.  No double D's yet?  How about you write me when you come across some of those.

Nice about the shampoo bottle.  Maybe that's why my roommate doesn't want me using his shampoo.  Man, that guy is addicted to reefer. Chester, Not Howie.  I haven't seen him since we all first moved into the dorm.  Must be nice having rich parents and crying your way across northern California.   His girlfriend goes to school in Sacramento. That's our best guess, but one of us always high.  Talk about a half-baked idea, hahah.

I haven't met any girls (besides Sharon) but I keep having noctural emissions.  I had multiple ones the other night.  I feel asleep with my copy of popular mechanics on my lap and when I woke up, I had ruined the centerfold of the single-engine jet.

Also, you know that picture of us where we're both shirtless and giving a thumbs up from when we went surfing this summer?  I found it in the bathroom with my Mom's things.  I was looking for some asprin, and the whole frame and everything was hidden down in the cabinet.  Weird.  And there was tape over my picture. and even after I took the tape off my side, both sides of the picture felt all sticky.  I need to get a new frame for that shit.  Good memories.  

After that my Mom held a family meeting, and demanded we go through all her things, item by item. Dad wasn't paying attention.  He was just smelling that weird sweaty old napkin.  And my sister refuses to wash those socks you left.  She just drapes them over her shoulder like some weird dumb ferret.  

Oh man, that frat sounds pretty great.  Pretty soon you guys are gonna be like inviting prostitutes over there to play checkers and trivial pursuit with them.  What a trip.  The Cat Lady sounds hot.  I wonder if it has more naked women in it?  You guys need to get a new projector so you can watch that thing!

Schnapps sound cool.  We aren't fancy like that.  Howie left behind a bunch of Amaretto, and we found half of a case of beer in the woods.  So we've been mixing the amaretto and the beer and hot sauce to make our drinks.  We call it the Pussyeater.  Because somebody said that's what like it's like when you chew on some vagina.  I half believe it.  The drinks are terrible and hurt my mouth, but it's worth the practice even if it's a quarter true.  We are already out.  Chester said he's going to go find us more old lost beer.  I'll believe that when he gets his ass out of that pipe he uses.

Yeah, I like my classes a lot.  You should take an anatomy class (just kidding) or an art class (haha) maybe you could show them some drawings of Mrs. McCaffrey.  Maybe that sort of thing is popular in college.  Hey don't worry, you'll find some dinosaur bones, once you stop worrying about getting your bones on.  I think I am going to fail spanish though.  My parents are going to be pissed, maybe they won't let you come visit for New Year's.  I hope not. Once they fall asleep we can drink the vodka left in their glasses and tell dirty jokes to my sister until she cries bloody murder!  Es muey muchos buenano.

Sharon. Sharon. I can't tell her Bra size. She doesn't really wear bras. I found a knife in her purse the other day.  It smelled like amaretto and coca-cola.  Gross.  She still gets sick a lot, and I don't know if I should even try.  What if she wakes up and doesn't recognize me?  She wants to get a dog. But you're not supposed to have those on campus.  Why is she always crying when I come back into a room?  She wanted a picture of me, so I gave her that one of you and me wrestling at the beach.  She got it framed, and she has it on her wall next to her LPs.

She said we have to kiss next month.  We'll see.  What's wrong with me?

  The Lone Ranger of the Seneca Woods,

       Cory