The genie always granted wishes to everyone that lived in the town just outside of the cave that he hid his god-children, you see he had all a thing of his nature could want. And not a soul ever asked him what he wished. Never asked him what he desired. What did the Genie want? Did he just want to make wishes come true for all the famous and attractive people around him?
Kimmy didn’t think so, she was a Korean sorcerer and very very hot to trot as they say...behind her back. Kimmy had a huge crush on the Genie. She knew him as Big Lu. The Big Lu that gave her father the wish of a lumber yard, the wish of the strongest body in the town, and the wish to feel sexual pleasures while eating. Kimmy saw her dad turn into a big old self involved jerk and treat her and her brother, L’aurent poorly and badly at the same time he was pulling double shifts as a gym instructor simply for the rush of it. So they were angry at him because he never had time for them and something had to change...kid style.
Big Lu wandered through his work. From one client to the next. He was looking for a change in a big way. This is when he found a dusty old magic mirror ball on his way to work. Lu stood in front of the cruddy beat to shit ball on the side of the road that was made out of dust and dirt and threw several scraps of bread in the ball’s general direction just to provoke the ball, which is a very efficient way to piss off balls. Seeing that this was a very special ball for strange magic he giggled and looked around and tackled the ball with a semi-erection, giddily rubbing and sweating on the dusty ball. Just then Kimmy appeared to present herself to the Genie, you see. Kimmy yelled, “how dare you! You of all Genies Dare to disrespect my deep slumber to get greedy on me! How DISGUSTED i am! How rude I believe you to be! What am I a means to an end to you! You are acting like a foolish kitten at the beach!” on and on she went, non-stop, lowering the genies idea of himself and irritating his delicate ego, calling him a foolish genie for wanting more than the duty of granting human wishes. After such and such has transpired the genie begged for one simple wish and Kimmy listened knowing that there was no way a human sorcerer could grant a genie a wish because she is simply a brave human with a true magic heart and an absurdly extreme curious nature. “All I ask is to feel what it feels like to be the neediest loneliest human so that I may make fun of it later when I am transformed back to my full power as a eternal super genie! Does that translate my genie friend!,” wishes the genie.
Just then a gang of differently classes robbers come out of the woods and attack Kimmy and cut all of her hair off and kick her in the butt to make her feel the shame of being covered in dirt and slop from the puddle that awaits her. They walk away in disgust and yell derogatory remarks in her direction. In her agony, some wacky uncontrollable magic flew the genie’s way. As it turns out, it was wish magic. The same elusive wish magic that sorcerers are so weary to harness as it is said it may end the life of any sorcerer who wields it.
Kimmy says to the genie, “you wish is granted!” and the Genie says, “do you mean, ‘Your wish is granted?’”
Kimmy says, “YES! You rude fool! It is granted! Now you should feel as sad and as unattractive and unappealing and lonesome as a cold poop!”
The genie looks at his arms and legs, rubbing them and moaning, “ohhhhh. I do! I do!” this is horrible!”
“My brain!” screamed the genie. Big Lu felt all of the hot blood cram itself into his frontal lobe. Kimmy’s tricks were becoming real! Although they weren’t the tricks she wish she were turning on Big Lu. Big Lu staggered all over the dirt path, and stumbled over some rocks and into sharp buzzard bones. The bones pierced through his abdomen and straight into his cerebellum. Juicy cerebellum jelly squoozed out and dribbled down his neck which had been sunburned because of all the pain his brain was being attacked with. Big Lu shook, shuddered, and shivered further into the buzzard bones, and his torso landed itself into a human femur, which is the longest bone. Somebody had just found the bone in a volcano and threw it away because it was so hot, and so the long hot bone felt like lava inside Big Lu’s new human nervous system. Big Lu instantly wished he was not being looked over by the almost dead and aroused Kimmy whose badly murdered face was smiling quietly a few meters behind him. “no you fool!,” she pointed. This is the wish you asked for is basically what she conveyed to the Greenish blue man figure that was the Genie, Lu.
In the damp cave he was greeted at the door by the god-children that were now cruel and not afraid of their fathers seemingly impotent demeanor. “Treat me harshly children! I crave those sensations!” they poked and pushed the flaming bones and sun-heated rocks that were sticking inside of his skin from the drag to the cave. Kimmy, as a salty drug vapor, engulfed the god-children to make them more restless and confrontational to promote a more hostile environment for the squirming genie, who was at that point rolling back and forth on the floor of the cave in a way that looked like sped up film. Even his voice was more high pitched because he was moving so fast that his esophagus was stretched in a way that lightened up the sound of his groaning and moaning. Should a normal be watching the scene they would have definitely died instantly from seeing the horror, but there were none, this was an affair for specials only.
Suddenly a time travel turtle was chucked into the old cave by unseen hands of some nameless specials. Everybody grabbed on and the light got all crazy, like the lights turned into lazy lazors or bad beams of very ugly and powerful rays of disgusting energy. Big Lu and his god-children were transported! They all screamed as they twirled round and round the annals of time, one of the god-children died from this happening to it. But the deceased god-child was not accurately mourned as there was no time because they landed in NEW YORK CITY on NEW YEARS EVE the craziest night of the year, where people find out who they are and what they are going to end up being. Nothing like it. The DJs were just getting warmed up and the MOMA was just starting a big art auction. People will come up to you and just start talking about whatever’s on their minds and the food tastes just a little contemporary.
Kimmy’s face appears in the clouds for all to see, bread is broken and hearts are turned on to this new music called blargh-Blargh, its like rock and dance music where you have to learn dance moves to let people know that you are up on it to see it. D’ya know what I mean? Yeah Yeah.“Abe! Baby! Abe! Abe! C’mon man!
The books in the mail but you gotta give me that check I can’t hold these guys off forever. I’m out on the street just like everyone else trying not to realize that I’m a joke like that one guy with the bootleg jeans. Come one. Come all to gimmie a break. Just one break I won’t let you down. I can’t afford it!
Look you know I like you. I always have, you’re cute and you have the guts of a killer. A shark! But we know these guys don’t play around. they’ll cut you up and won’t care if it makes the papers. You know that...”
Then he slams the limo door and Big Lu can see how pathetic he looks in the reflection of the tinted window, with mud and bags under his weak willed hams. The limo splashes away and knocks over a garbage car with fire coming out of it carelessly.
“I can see that the party is still going on upstairs. I guess I’m not getting any sleep tonight oh well, with friends like that you get what you pay for..nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m making everyone angry here because no one thinks me yelling in this stupid voice with these mittens on is funny. It seemed funny in my head but now I guess I realize I’m doing it to make people angry.”
Lu observed all this human filth, and even through the haze of his throbbing death pains, he now knew what it was to feel human.
“wake up dada,”
“dada,”
“da..”
“da...”
The Doctor is using the electricity hammers in both hands to shoot the Genie awake to the current steam-punk world he lives in. Lu’s hand grazes the Doctor’s bare flushed cheeks and brings it up to one of the go-children’s faces. “How long...”
beeeeeeep the machine goes. Lu is gone. Gone too soon.
The funeral was in march but the weather was incredibly hot and sweaty so everyone was steamy and drunk and very hungry so the Preacher, Treach from Naughty by Nature, sped through the eulogy after a little disclaimer beforehand explaining that he knew everyone wanted to get this over with because of the discomfort. And he did so. With out shame as there was nothing shameful about it since everyone knew that Lu didn’t care about this kind of stuff anyways. He always looked at the big picture. thats kind of what was great about him. Even when we were growing up it wasn’t about how we would build the derby car racer, it was how we were going to win it, what we would do with the prize money and when you get to hug Cindy and the rest of the girls we were going to grow up with and learn from. He was like that, and it makes sense when I think about it now. It isn’t about who is here right now or how they are feeling or what kind of pine this damn box is made out of, its about the life that was lived and what it did for everyone, the land and the feeling we are going to be able to carry with us forever. I loved Lu and I don’t give a crap if he felt the same way because thats how love works, and thats what he taught me.
Then Treach said, “this funeral is over” and he threw the index cards he was reading from threw over his shoulder and into the open casket.
In Heaven, Lu walks up to Kimmy at the Jimmy John’s. They smile and make loving eye contact together. Intimate moments like these happen in Heaven. Its Heaven. They order the food and Lu opts for the Jimmy chips, and Kimmy gets a soda. “Cherry coke,” she says, while getting it herself. Blink 182 is playing over the speakers and they both nod their heads and enjoy the catchy riffs and clever lyrics. Kimmy taps her foot to the drumbeat, and accidentally steps on Lu’s foot. “Oh! I’m sorry!” her face is red with embarrassment. Jimmy Hoffa is the manager that day. “Is everything okay folks?”
“Oh yes, my food is great!” Kimmy says.
“Glad to hear it,” Jimmy Hoffa who works at Jimmy’s John’s says.
AN END
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