March 8, 2011

1:24 PM Jared: yo Dee!

 me: what up. Who is this?

1:25 PM Jared: J-rude

  baby

  J-rude in they house

 me: Hey.

  oh

1:26 PM Jared: hey

  Dee

  baby Dee

 me: Dirty dee thats me

 Jared: did y'all do your taxes yet?

 me: hittin' em where they squirt

 Jared: get that shit done y'all!

1:27 PM me: did that shit months ago

  whuddabout you?

 Jared: shit, y'all only get the w-2s at the end of january

  did the federal

  gotta do the state

  i owed a little bit for federal

  will probably owe some for state

1:28 PM me: I got 200$ back. but blew it on living expenses

1:29 PM So are you breaking even?

 Jared: no

  i owe like $575 in federal

 me: fuck!

 Jared: and i'll owe something in state

  I knew it was coming

 me: FUCK!

  FUCK!

  FUCK!

  this is not fair

 Jared: i'm just glad it wasn't more

1:30 PM me: guy like you shouldn't have to pay for this stuff

 Jared: we all gotta pay for it

1:31 PM especially if you have some untaxed income flying in

 me: don't no one gotta know.

  all I have to do is stay cool and die.

  only things I gotta do

1:32 PM Jared: taxes rule everything about me

 me: you have changed

  it used to be about expressing yourself now it is about the taxes

  for you

1:33 PM Jared: dino life

 me: that has always been dino life.

 Jared: ok

  i'm out

  going downtown!

 me: if we ever have a group screening it has got to be called dino-life

1:34 PM Jared: i'm into it

 me: :-!

 Jared: ;d

  see ya

 me: god I want to fuck a dino

 Jared: V.v.V

  what about that dino

 me: I don't see it

 Jared: bye!

 me: is that a d.?

1:35 PM say hit to lori and jac!

  don't forget!

March 12, 2011

Jared: yo Dee!

  Dee!

  Dee!

 me: hey

 Jared: yeah, haha

  hey Dee!

 me: I'm at work. whats up?

 Jared: is it a good day from frames?

5:02 PM me: nah. gtg. BYE

 Jared: see ya Dee!

  bye bye smoker!

Cory

Wow.  When you told me that one summer we spent at camp that your family was crazy I thought you were just joshing around.  They are as Batty as a crazy-man!  If you ever need a place to get away from it all just go to our secret palace in the woods where our comic book collection is.  Are they still waterproofed?   

Tell your weird ugly sister that, she can keep those socks.  I don’t need them anymore.  Besides I’m pretty sure Karen wants to go steady with me after the ass-rub I gave her at the drive-in.  She was moaning like crazy!  Oh she knew what she was doing, you should have seen how bad she shredded the front of my shirt.   She was a pro up and down the line. You can mark me up for another kill!  

Guy! You and your friends don’t know anything about pussies!  You don’t chew on them! You form a seal around it with your mouth and make humming noises while you hug her thighs.  Make sure your eyes are closed or your woman will feel uncomfortable.  I shouldn’t have to be telling you this.  It is embare-assing for me and you.  You will never strike a home run anyways.  By the time you do you will be 100 years old anyways and your balls will be like tiny raisins.

I do want that picture back of me and you on that surfing trip.  I want to put it on my desk so that I can make fun of it while I’m studying.  Man you look like a duffus standing there with your layer of flab.  I just want to sit at this very desk and make fun of it for a really long time.  What a rube you look like.  Please make sure you wrap it good and clean it off.  I really want to see it again so that I can make fun of it.    

Oh you wouldn’t believe what a perfect prank we pulled on Freddie.  You remember him right?  He was the Senior that made me eat two triple-decker BLTs for my initiation.  Me and a group of freshmen put barbiturates in his tuna sandwhich, stipped him naked and tied him to a horse, naked and BACKWARDS! His face was beet red and his eyes were watery but he did not cry or ask for help from anyone.  No one laughed or offered to help him because they didn’t want to humiliate him further.  After a while the horse kind of wandered off the campus and he didn’t show up for classes for a couple of days.  It was so funny!  Still is!

Sharon sounds like a slutty name.  I cannont believe that you two have not done the Muffled Injun yet.  What a couple of Rubes you are.  Take my advice pretend are about to sneeze and then just plant one right on her Flappers.  It works everytime.  But look who I’m talking to! She would probably run out of the room and tell her friends what a miserable goon you are!

Up! Up! And AWAY!!!!!

-Super- Tobias  

p.s.  The Cat Woman gets nearly naked!

Tobias,

         Hah, thanks.  Glad you enjoyed all that turkey.  (I think we gave the rest of it to the wolves)  Yeah, Samantha will be glad to know that it worked.  She called me the other day, and your name came up, which was odd.  She had a lot of questions about you, and what kind of man you were.  I said I didn't know.  Sisters are so weird.  She needs to patch things up with her ex.  If she doesn't Mom is always going to look at her weird.  I guess we aren't supposed to be quitters.  I miss Rick.  He was a cool brother in law.  (My first one)  I hope France is giving him time to think about how to accept my Sister's apologies.  Yeah, and Samantha asked for your address.  I guess you left your socks in her room, which is weird.  I don't remember you having your shoes off.  Her room smells funny.  Well, next time I'll take the bottom bunk if that's okay.

I don't know if they found your napkin on the back porch.  It's funny that you would mention napkins, though.  Samantha said that Dad has a napkin he's been keeping in his front pocket.  And once they were going to the waterfront for Lobster and he couldn't find it anywhere and he started getting really stressed out.  And then my sister said he was in the bathroom for a while, and that maybe he was crying.  He's probably upset about Samantha and Rick not being together, or that he's the only guy left in the house when I leave.  I guess he always wanted me to play more baseball.  

Woah, haha, did your boner get it's own dewey decimal number in the library? I don't think the woman at my school would like that.  67 B sounds like a bus line. Heh.  Guess you went exxxpress.  Man, you should take a physics class if you are so into volume and the sizes of titties.  No double D's yet?  How about you write me when you come across some of those.

Nice about the shampoo bottle.  Maybe that's why my roommate doesn't want me using his shampoo.  Man, that guy is addicted to reefer. Chester, Not Howie.  I haven't seen him since we all first moved into the dorm.  Must be nice having rich parents and crying your way across northern California.   His girlfriend goes to school in Sacramento. That's our best guess, but one of us always high.  Talk about a half-baked idea, hahah.

I haven't met any girls (besides Sharon) but I keep having noctural emissions.  I had multiple ones the other night.  I feel asleep with my copy of popular mechanics on my lap and when I woke up, I had ruined the centerfold of the single-engine jet.

Also, you know that picture of us where we're both shirtless and giving a thumbs up from when we went surfing this summer?  I found it in the bathroom with my Mom's things.  I was looking for some asprin, and the whole frame and everything was hidden down in the cabinet.  Weird.  And there was tape over my picture. and even after I took the tape off my side, both sides of the picture felt all sticky.  I need to get a new frame for that shit.  Good memories.  

After that my Mom held a family meeting, and demanded we go through all her things, item by item. Dad wasn't paying attention.  He was just smelling that weird sweaty old napkin.  And my sister refuses to wash those socks you left.  She just drapes them over her shoulder like some weird dumb ferret.  

Oh man, that frat sounds pretty great.  Pretty soon you guys are gonna be like inviting prostitutes over there to play checkers and trivial pursuit with them.  What a trip.  The Cat Lady sounds hot.  I wonder if it has more naked women in it?  You guys need to get a new projector so you can watch that thing!

Schnapps sound cool.  We aren't fancy like that.  Howie left behind a bunch of Amaretto, and we found half of a case of beer in the woods.  So we've been mixing the amaretto and the beer and hot sauce to make our drinks.  We call it the Pussyeater.  Because somebody said that's what like it's like when you chew on some vagina.  I half believe it.  The drinks are terrible and hurt my mouth, but it's worth the practice even if it's a quarter true.  We are already out.  Chester said he's going to go find us more old lost beer.  I'll believe that when he gets his ass out of that pipe he uses.

Yeah, I like my classes a lot.  You should take an anatomy class (just kidding) or an art class (haha) maybe you could show them some drawings of Mrs. McCaffrey.  Maybe that sort of thing is popular in college.  Hey don't worry, you'll find some dinosaur bones, once you stop worrying about getting your bones on.  I think I am going to fail spanish though.  My parents are going to be pissed, maybe they won't let you come visit for New Year's.  I hope not. Once they fall asleep we can drink the vodka left in their glasses and tell dirty jokes to my sister until she cries bloody murder!  Es muey muchos buenano.

Sharon. Sharon. I can't tell her Bra size. She doesn't really wear bras. I found a knife in her purse the other day.  It smelled like amaretto and coca-cola.  Gross.  She still gets sick a lot, and I don't know if I should even try.  What if she wakes up and doesn't recognize me?  She wants to get a dog. But you're not supposed to have those on campus.  Why is she always crying when I come back into a room?  She wanted a picture of me, so I gave her that one of you and me wrestling at the beach.  She got it framed, and she has it on her wall next to her LPs.

She said we have to kiss next month.  We'll see.  What's wrong with me?

  The Lone Ranger of the Seneca Woods,

       Cory

Cory,

I got to say I don’t think I’ve ever had as much Turkey as I had at your family’s house this thanksgiving.  Tell your family I had a great time.  Let Samantha know that The Man Who Stayed on the Far Side of the Mountain was a good enough to pass my Creative Writing Class.  Also I forgot to remind your Father that I left my dinner napkin on your back porch.  Did they find it already?

            This week I picked up a girl in the Library, she has blonde hair and her cup size is 67 B, which means they are pretty big.  We are going to see a drive-in feature film about two army guys who are chasing the same girl, who is Blonde and has got to be at least a 56 C.  Hopefully Karen will loosen up after a couple sips out of that shampoo bottle I filled up with schnapps.  If things go right I will have another addition to my bra mark up.  Wish me Luck.

            Today at the weekly frathouse midnight luncheon, where we eat hero sandwiches and drink schnaps at exactly midnight and watch movies, Brother Kenny brought a nudie feature.  It was a nun dancing around without a shirt on.  We must have watched it for three hours straight.  No one moved, they just slowly ate and sipped the schnapps.  About an hour into it I heard on of the brothers crying, and another one was panting.  His tounge must have been hanging out of his mouth or something, no one could tell because no one dared take their eyes off the screen.  It finally ended after the machine broke.  I can’t wait for them to fix it so we can watch for the next one. Kenny said it is called The Cat Lady. It sounds great.

            This semester is going to be harder than the last. I have to take a coarse on Geography, whatever that is.  I only signed up for it because some of the other Brothers said all you have to do is pick up rocks from the quad and learn what kind they are and tell the class about them.  Can you picture me walking around looking at the ground and picking up little pebbles? I can’t, that sounds dumb.  I thought this class was about Dinosaurs bones.  What gives anyways? How am I supposed to know about the classes if they don’t even say what they mean in the name of the coarse?

            How is your school going? Any luck with Sharon? What is her bra size anyways? Have you finally figured out how to tell?

The Lone Bandit-man of Grassy-Grove,

           

            Tobias