Tobias,

         Hah, thanks.  Glad you enjoyed all that turkey.  (I think we gave the rest of it to the wolves)  Yeah, Samantha will be glad to know that it worked.  She called me the other day, and your name came up, which was odd.  She had a lot of questions about you, and what kind of man you were.  I said I didn't know.  Sisters are so weird.  She needs to patch things up with her ex.  If she doesn't Mom is always going to look at her weird.  I guess we aren't supposed to be quitters.  I miss Rick.  He was a cool brother in law.  (My first one)  I hope France is giving him time to think about how to accept my Sister's apologies.  Yeah, and Samantha asked for your address.  I guess you left your socks in her room, which is weird.  I don't remember you having your shoes off.  Her room smells funny.  Well, next time I'll take the bottom bunk if that's okay.

I don't know if they found your napkin on the back porch.  It's funny that you would mention napkins, though.  Samantha said that Dad has a napkin he's been keeping in his front pocket.  And once they were going to the waterfront for Lobster and he couldn't find it anywhere and he started getting really stressed out.  And then my sister said he was in the bathroom for a while, and that maybe he was crying.  He's probably upset about Samantha and Rick not being together, or that he's the only guy left in the house when I leave.  I guess he always wanted me to play more baseball.  

Woah, haha, did your boner get it's own dewey decimal number in the library? I don't think the woman at my school would like that.  67 B sounds like a bus line. Heh.  Guess you went exxxpress.  Man, you should take a physics class if you are so into volume and the sizes of titties.  No double D's yet?  How about you write me when you come across some of those.

Nice about the shampoo bottle.  Maybe that's why my roommate doesn't want me using his shampoo.  Man, that guy is addicted to reefer. Chester, Not Howie.  I haven't seen him since we all first moved into the dorm.  Must be nice having rich parents and crying your way across northern California.   His girlfriend goes to school in Sacramento. That's our best guess, but one of us always high.  Talk about a half-baked idea, hahah.

I haven't met any girls (besides Sharon) but I keep having noctural emissions.  I had multiple ones the other night.  I feel asleep with my copy of popular mechanics on my lap and when I woke up, I had ruined the centerfold of the single-engine jet.

Also, you know that picture of us where we're both shirtless and giving a thumbs up from when we went surfing this summer?  I found it in the bathroom with my Mom's things.  I was looking for some asprin, and the whole frame and everything was hidden down in the cabinet.  Weird.  And there was tape over my picture. and even after I took the tape off my side, both sides of the picture felt all sticky.  I need to get a new frame for that shit.  Good memories.  

After that my Mom held a family meeting, and demanded we go through all her things, item by item. Dad wasn't paying attention.  He was just smelling that weird sweaty old napkin.  And my sister refuses to wash those socks you left.  She just drapes them over her shoulder like some weird dumb ferret.  

Oh man, that frat sounds pretty great.  Pretty soon you guys are gonna be like inviting prostitutes over there to play checkers and trivial pursuit with them.  What a trip.  The Cat Lady sounds hot.  I wonder if it has more naked women in it?  You guys need to get a new projector so you can watch that thing!

Schnapps sound cool.  We aren't fancy like that.  Howie left behind a bunch of Amaretto, and we found half of a case of beer in the woods.  So we've been mixing the amaretto and the beer and hot sauce to make our drinks.  We call it the Pussyeater.  Because somebody said that's what like it's like when you chew on some vagina.  I half believe it.  The drinks are terrible and hurt my mouth, but it's worth the practice even if it's a quarter true.  We are already out.  Chester said he's going to go find us more old lost beer.  I'll believe that when he gets his ass out of that pipe he uses.

Yeah, I like my classes a lot.  You should take an anatomy class (just kidding) or an art class (haha) maybe you could show them some drawings of Mrs. McCaffrey.  Maybe that sort of thing is popular in college.  Hey don't worry, you'll find some dinosaur bones, once you stop worrying about getting your bones on.  I think I am going to fail spanish though.  My parents are going to be pissed, maybe they won't let you come visit for New Year's.  I hope not. Once they fall asleep we can drink the vodka left in their glasses and tell dirty jokes to my sister until she cries bloody murder!  Es muey muchos buenano.

Sharon. Sharon. I can't tell her Bra size. She doesn't really wear bras. I found a knife in her purse the other day.  It smelled like amaretto and coca-cola.  Gross.  She still gets sick a lot, and I don't know if I should even try.  What if she wakes up and doesn't recognize me?  She wants to get a dog. But you're not supposed to have those on campus.  Why is she always crying when I come back into a room?  She wanted a picture of me, so I gave her that one of you and me wrestling at the beach.  She got it framed, and she has it on her wall next to her LPs.

She said we have to kiss next month.  We'll see.  What's wrong with me?

  The Lone Ranger of the Seneca Woods,

       Cory